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The date went splendidly until Jimmy started drawing penises all over Big Bird and crude breasts on Smurfette. He spent the rest of the night in the time-out corner while Jenny's mom, finally giving in to Jenny's insistent wails, went out to buy a new coloring book.

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Ladies, please, I have very high standards. Applicants must be between 18 and 90, and anyone outside of that range will not be considered. I won't take just anyone.