stalker

Girl. STAHP!

Cracked has discovered the ideal app arsenal for any dating douchebag with a smartphone. These apps are so creeper-ish that you'll want to avoid anyone who has one of these on their phones, if not save time and file a pre-emptive restraining order. Here are a few, and click through the jump to see the rest.

Superstud Blackbook: a veritable encyclopedia for douchebags, this will tell you where the most promiscuous ladies are in whatever town you're in, as well as where to pick up flowers, jewelry, or other bribes gifts to aid in your creeper cause.

The Passion App: Want to know how good you are at sex, but can't be bothered to ask your partner their opinion? Use this app instead! It uses smartphone functions like the accelerometer and microphone, and gives you a score from 1-10 based on how well you performed. You can even upload these scores to a leaderboard!

Recognizr: If you have a picture of someone you want to stalk, this app will run that picture through their cloud server and come back with every single one of their social media accounts. The good news is that it only works on people who already have an account with this app, so maybe you shouldn't get one. Nor should anyone else.

Creepy: This aptly-named app uses the feeds from any social networks you regularly update, and uses any check-ins, posts, or geotagging to pinpoint someone's exact location. What's worse, if it can't figure out exactly where you are, it'll come up with a list of where someone can

If you receive a card like this on Valentine's Day, please contact your local authorities. And purchase some mace.

Drunkards, like puppies, will sometimes follow you home if you're too nice. And then curl up and sleep on your doorstep.