masturbation

Better question: Who would want to?

At least your somebody's reason for something mildly positive?

The forever alone sexual predators.

Just enjoy yourself.

The laptop screen must be playing reruns of Golden Girls. That must be it.

Unfortunately, no man has ever lasted long enough to prove this theory true.

When you're going away from home for a while, you need to make sure that while you're gone your cats are fed, your mail's taken in, and your boyfriend is pleasured.