parent

That sh*t cray, mom.

It'd be worth it to move back in with the parents, just to have glow stars on my peeling ceiling again.

Whenever anyone says "it's me" via text, you can safely assume that he or she is over the age of 50 and has been texting for fewer than one year.

This sums up Christmas morning for at least 30 people.

It'll save him a rightfully earned lecture on how a grown man doesn't know how to boil corn.

Money quote from the main article: "Children and adults are sexual beings; we've known this for at least 100 years." Gee, I don't know HOW we managed the whole baby-making business before then!

Anyway, P911, PIR, GYPO and GNOC.

Drunk texts are a little hard for some to decipher, so here's a handy guide to help you follow the conversation:

E u b inG gopod? (Are you being good?)

Il$m goods I'm a liL drinmkl (I have spent one million dollars on various goods, my current Halloween costume looks a little like a Drin-brand racing vehicle, mk. 1.)

1111 male a qisH (I am about to order a quiche stuffed with men.)

Im$ havi FUM (I have spent one million dollars for the privilege of eating chum, which is fum fum, as the hit children's animated television series Spongebob Squarepants has taught me.)

Ur hcing fum 222000 (Do you, too, want some chum? We can also involve ourselves in recreational drug use, a suggestion I am communicating by secret code:

222000 ---> [2 + 2] [2] [0 + 0 + 0] ---> [4] [2] [0] ---> 420 )

This is an ancient and time-honored mom tactic.

I'm l33ting so hard right now.