parent

It'd be worth it to move back in with the parents, just to have glow stars on my peeling ceiling again.

It'll save him a rightfully earned lecture on how a grown man doesn't know how to boil corn.

This is an ancient and time-honored mom tactic.

That sh*t cray, mom.

Drunk texts are a little hard for some to decipher, so here's a handy guide to help you follow the conversation:

E u b inG gopod? (Are you being good?)

Il$m goods I'm a liL drinmkl (I have spent one million dollars on various goods, my current Halloween costume looks a little like a Drin-brand racing vehicle, mk. 1.)

1111 male a qisH (I am about to order a quiche stuffed with men.)

Im$ havi FUM (I have spent one million dollars for the privilege of eating chum, which is fum fum, as the hit children's animated television series Spongebob Squarepants has taught me.)

Ur hcing fum 222000 (Do you, too, want some chum? We can also involve ourselves in recreational drug use, a suggestion I am communicating by secret code:

222000 ---> [2 + 2] [2] [0 + 0 + 0] ---> [4] [2] [0] ---> 420 )

So period sex feels amazing because it's embarrassing? What about the embarrassment of talking about period sex with your mom? Would that feel amazing, too?

From infuriated to peachy in .5 seconds.

I guess her thought-out-plan is blackmailing her mother.

Rather than clean his room, the child fled the safety of his suburban home and foraged for Twinkie crumbs and Velveeta wrappers in the neighbors' garbage.