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I'll bet I know where he got that story from...

That... that would hurt, right?

Drat, why does "Son" have to be so close to "Marriage Counselor" on my contacts list?

"gon 2 transubstanti8 sum bread lol brb"

The ass needs to be fresh before you can lick it.

Whenever anyone says "it's me" via text, you can safely assume that he or she is over the age of 50 and has been texting for fewer than one year.

Not cool, dude. Not cool.

Johanaaaaaa doesn't want to hear about the music playing at a bar she isn't in anyway.

Hey girl, Imma say hi and add a pic of my smoldering gaze so you know I really mean it.