Death

WELL GREAT NOW THE JOKE IS RUINED.

j/k sorry for your loss.

I almost missed the second to last line. I had to read it again. Oh, puns. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Great, now I have no reason to read this biography at all.

Kids! No matter how committed you are to building a personal relationship with Jesus or any other spiritual icon, don't text Him while driving. Or anyone, for that matter.

From the submitter:

I was afraid to ask anyone else

Maybe you could go back in time and text Hitler's grandson. You've been given a terrible curse, but it could also be a great gift. With great power comes great responsibility etc. etc.

Text it <33

From the submitter:

This continued for several more messages. It got to the point where she actually thought that I died.

You're welcome, young stranger! Unless this is spam in which case go die in a fire.