Early Morning Happy Hour

There's no better way to start off your day than to start with a Squirtle and evolve your way up to "Too Drunk Drunk to Function At 9am," also known as "Blastoise.

WARNING: Side-effects include turning into a flesh-hungry mutant zombie intent on destroying Mila Jovovich.

So it's a rum/cola float named after an iconic sci-fi robot from the future? I'll take six please.

Hope everyone's weekend was fruitful, because your Monday is about to be just that. It's never too early for creatively shaped jello shots that would make drunk Bill Cosby proud.

The added bonus is that every single one is poisoned, per George R.R. Martin's willingness to kill anyone at any time!

The Bloody Brain - mix 1 1/4 oz vodka and 1/8 oz lime juice and add to shot glasses to fill to about 3/4 full. Slowly add cream liquor to form brain. Drizzle grenadine.

Flavorwire serves us up some cocktails inspired by literary classics, with my personal favorite being the Catcher in the Rye. Do I care that it's just a dolled up Old Fashioned? No. No I do not.

Also like the real thing, you'll end up practically braindead and needlessly violent.

SHOW ME YOUR MAGIC, OH SORCERER OF SALTED RIMS.