If you read that headline and thought "I bet this happened in Florida," then congratulations! There's a milkshake for you in the fridge as a prize. Go ahead, check it! A choice quote from the story:

The deputies searched Mitchell and fount 23 grams of marijuana hidden under his fat. Police also found a handgun in the middle console and $7,000 in cash stuffed in a tube sock. The suspects tried to hide the smell of drugs with carpet freshener and scented dryer sheets, but that didn't work.

He goes everywhere with the soon-to-be eight-grader [Rachel Benke], including accepting awards at school, celebrating birthdays, and even on the school track where he one day sprung into action. "Her aide was holding Taxi on the side and he just started pulling away from the aide as hard as he could trying to get to Rachel," [Theresa] Benke said. She said once they got her inside, Rachel had a grand mal seizure, and Taxi wouldn't leave the girl's side. "I don't know how Taxi new this, but he wouldn't let anyone near her until the paramedics arrived,"- KHOU 11.

Via Fox19:

A Hamilton man with a long history of public indecency convictions was arrested again for simulating sex with a pool float. Edwin Tobergta, 35, was arrested Wednesday morning after a witness observed him standing naked on Route 4 in Hamilton simulating sex with a pink pool floatation device. According to the police report, the witness said he was in full view of nearby businesses and passing cars. He was charged with public indecency and contempt of court. Tobergta was previously arrested in June of 2013 after he engaged in sex with a pool float outside of his house in front of several children. He pleaded guilty to that offense and was sentenced to 11 months in prison but was released early. In August of 2011 he was arrested for a similar offense involving having sex with a pink swimming pool raft. In 2002, he was caught having sex with an inflatable pumpkin that was part of a Halloween display.

According to Lan Tien, "It was hot so I was painting the wall in the nude, and I slipped on the floor causing my private parts to fall inside the pipe that was protruding from the wall to take water outside from the air conditioning unit. Unfortunately, I got stuck as a result." One might use this as a teaching moment to talk about the safety of one's tally-whacker in the open air, but all we're left wondering is just HOW your jingle-jank can "fall" into an open pipe.

These are the mysteries of life, people.