(My wife and I going to the hospital while she's in labor.) Me: Excuse me, my wife is in labor. Nurse: OK, is she having contractions? Me: Yes! Nurse: How bad are they? Wife: (In the middle of a contraction) I WILL F**KING KILL YOU FOR THIS!!!! Me: That bad.

(When I was younger, walking down the street and we passed a group of guys when one spits on the floor) Grandmother: You gonna pick that up punk? Guy: WHAT? Grandmother: Yeah, I'm gonna stay here untill you clean it up! Guy: How do you want me to do that? Grandmother: LICK IT UP OR SOMETHING! (Grandma keeps staring at him until the guy cleans it off of the street.)