(Me eating a chocolate orange on sofa, dad who is on a diet next to me)
Dad: I hope you die in pain.
(My wife and I going to the hospital while she's in labor.)
Me: Excuse me, my wife is in labor.
Nurse: OK, is she having contractions?
Nurse: How bad are they?
Wife: (In the middle of a contraction) I WILL F**KING KILL YOU FOR THIS!!!!
Me: That bad.
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