(I went out for sushi with my grandma. She just gave me the Heimlich after i choked on the sushi and the the waiter brought fortune cookies.)
Grandma: What does yours say, "Take smaller bites"?
(Talking with my grandmother about how hard it was raising kids in the 60's)
Me: Gramma? If it was so hard raising the first three, why did you keep having kids?
Gramma: Well, Joel... Me and your grandfather liked to have sex.
Me: ... (Image hasn't left my head to this day)
(I had wrapped a bottle of wine to give to my grandfather as a Christmas Present)
Me: Merry Christmas, Grandad!
Grandad: (without opening it) Oh, lovely! A jumbo size pack of condoms! Just what I needed!
Grandmother: That's an oddly shaped box of condoms...
Grandad: (pointing to his crotch) Hey, they haven't seen the shape of this yet!
(My 70-something year old grandparents were telling me of a time that they were stalked by a mountain lion during a family campout.)
Grandma: So there we were just strolling through the forest whe-
Grandpa: No, YOU were strolling, I was walking like a MAN!
(Going to visit my grandma, my little sister just walks in her house)
Me:(to my sister) Hey, learn to knock. What if grandma isn't dressed or has company?
Grandma: Yeah! What if I have company and we're naked?!
(17 yr old daughter on phone to Grandmother with me in same room.)
Daughter: Nana, do you have any AAA Batteries?
Me (yelling to be heard on phone): It's for her vibrator!
Nana (which daughter repeats to me): You need D size.
Me (which daughter repeats over phone): Speaking from experience?
Daughter: Ewww, must be true, Nana isn't saying anything!
(In the living room about 15 minutes before Thanksgiving Dinner with 20 family members and Grandma.)
Gram: I think somebody farted.
Younger Brother: You know what they say Gram, they who smelled it, dealt it.
Gram: (laughs) That's true.
Gram; No, I was wrong, somebody's crapped themselves.
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