(I had wrapped a bottle of wine to give to my grandfather as a Christmas Present) Me: Merry Christmas, Grandad! Grandad: (without opening it) Oh, lovely! A jumbo size pack of condoms! Just what I needed! Grandmother: That's an oddly shaped box of condoms... Grandad: (pointing to his crotch) Hey, they haven't seen the shape of this yet!
(17 yr old daughter on phone to Grandmother with me in same room.) Daughter: Nana, do you have any AAA Batteries? Me (yelling to be heard on phone): It's for her vibrator! Nana (which daughter repeats to me): You need D size. Me (which daughter repeats over phone): Speaking from experience? Daughter: Ewww, must be true, Nana isn't saying anything!
(In the living room about 15 minutes before Thanksgiving Dinner with 20 family members and Grandma.) Gram: I think somebody farted. Younger Brother: You know what they say Gram, they who smelled it, dealt it. Gram: (laughs) That's true. (*Pause*) Gram; No, I was wrong, somebody's crapped themselves.