(My mom was talking to her self at the store) Me: Mom who are you talking too? Mom: Myself, I have to talk louder than the voices in my head.

(Talking about my mum's partner.) Sister: But you do love each other, I know that. Mum: It's a fine line between love and hate and the cutlery drawer. Sister: You're never too old to- Mum: To stab someone? No.

Me: *putting on chapstick* Dad: Is that stuff good for chapped lips? I wonder if that'd work for my asshole... maybe I should get some.