No matter how crucial it is to your explanation dont start your explanation to your dad about why he has to drive 2 hours to pick you up and take you to the doctor with "so, I gave this guy a blow job."
If you meet someone whose child started reading at age two, and your first thought is "Wow, just like Hannibal Lecter," you either read too much or you're evil
Don't lie to your psychotherapist mother. Especially when she's in a room full of other psychotherapists. LFMF
When opening a package in which you do not know the contents, do NOT do it in front of your kids. Your husband may have ordered something from Adam and Eve which will leave you with some uncomfortable explaining to do.
Your mom catches you lying to her, and later she sees you upset about it. She asks: "What's wrong?"
Right answer: "I'm upset that I lied to you."
Wrong answer: "I'm upset that you caught me lying."
When your daughter hands you her laptop to watch a youtube video, remember that it's not your iphone. You'll sit there for several seconds trying to press play, until your daughter bursts out laughing when she realizes you think it's a touch screen. #LFMy mom's F
Never assume that your 10 year old in the next room is asleep and can't hear you having sex. He's going to be sitting in the back seat with a good friend the next day whispering "I heard my Mommy have an orgasm last night!"