Never sniff your sister's birthday cake whilst the candles are lit. Who knew hair could be so flammable? #LFMy dumb sister'sF

Never, ever, under any circumstances, give your sister's best friend a lapdance on her birthday with a phone in your pocket. She will think it is part of your male anatomy, and lose the tiny sliver of respect she ever had for you. As a plus, (or minus, depends how you look at it) your sister will never stop laughing at you. #LFMBrother'sF

When your friend is high-strung, refrain from screaming "SPIDER!" right next to her while she's frosting a homemade cake. She will panic, knock it onto the floor, break down and cry over the loss of her cousin's birthday cake, then beat you. #LFMIdiotFriend'sF

If you decide to be a super great person and make cupcakes for your friend's birthday, buy canned icing. Because if you make it, you will mistake cornstarch for confectioner's sugar, your icing will turn to slime, and you will have to throw away 20 cupcakes, which is a crime. #LFMF

On the eve of your twentieth birthday, it's best not to watch any film version of Peter Pan. You will end up in tears because you have turned into the grown-up that the Lost Boys despise. #LFMF

If you have a boy with autism and you take him to a birthday party, don't teach him to hit the other kids with the balloons so he can play with them. Just don't. He'll end up hitting the birthday boy's elderly grandmother in the face, and he'll think it's funny.

Don't cut the cake. When at SOMEONE ElSE'S birthday party just because your Mom says its time to go does NOT mean you get to cut the cake. #LFMF