In response to a handful of form letters sent to the Woods for Congress campaign by local anti-abortion advocates, James Woods is mailing back gifts that are proven to quickly and effectively reduce unintended pregnancy and abortion: condoms.
"A national anti-abortion organization had a few local constituents write to me asking me to stand in between women and personal private medical decisions," says Woods, a progressive Democrat running against Representative Matt Salmon in Arizona's CD5. "I'm not willing to do that. But I am willing to support policies that both protect women's autonomy and reduce unintended pregnancies and abortions."
Cringe all you want, but try to understand where he's coming from. You see, in the North Pole, elf women are aborting all of their pregnancies, which means means that there are fewer elves to make toys for Santa. Santa Claus is a non-profit organization and can't be expected to simply buy presents. Thus, his best option is to retire.