Mom: OK: No drugs, no alcohol, no sex and no boys. Dad: Basically we want you to have a sh**ty time.

Mom: I love the internet language. Boyfriend: You mean like viruses and trojans? Mom: Yeah, those. *snickering* You know if you use a Trojan, you won't get a virus!

(My dad talking to my brother after the dog pulled a condom out of his wallet.) Dad: Why is there a condom in your wallet? Brother: Because, Dad, I'm sexually active. Dad: I know but you can't get your hand pregnant...