Dad: If you get that girl pregnant you have to name the kid Fruitloop.
Dad: I lost a bet.
(My mom had just gone into the freezer for the 5th time in the last hour to get a cup of ice.)
Dad: Hey! If you keep doing that, you'll get addicted to the ice. From there, you'll move on to snow... Then you'll hit the hard stuff, like sleet.
Me: And hail after that?
Dad: Oh god... let's not go down that road...
(My dad coming in, seeing I'm on facebook instead of doing my math homework.)
Dad: If you don't start doing your math, you'll turn into a zombie. *leaves*
Me: What just happened?
(Christmas morning. I open a present to what I think is a new iphone)
Me: You got me an iphone? I can't believe it!
Dad: Just open it and see.
(I proceed to ope iPhone box)
Me: There is a picture of an iphone... But no phone...
Me: Why would you go through all of this trouble just to crush my dreams?
Dad: Get used to a life of disappointment
Me: According to the lab I did, you and mom can't be homozygous dominant for ALU.
Dad: Baby, I ain't homo nothing.
Me: Mum, can I use the tuna in the fridge?
Dad: What are you going to use it for?
Me: (sarcastically) I'm going to smear it on my genitals.
Dad: Mind the cat, that's the kind of pussy you don't want
Me: Dad, I can't remember what RNA is!
Dad: Remember, RNA is sort of like an aggressive date.
Me: ... Huh?
Dad: It helps unzip your genes! Ha!
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