Nope, I want it burned...

Can YOU order Subway™ without stuttering, pausing, or hemming and hawing? Try it today!

(We swear this isn't an ad)

(You don't have to go to Subway if you don't want to. We're sure there are plenty of other fine sandwich establishments in your area. Hell, if you don't want a sandwich, maybe you could get Chinese instead. It's UP TO YOU)

It turns out Jared's famed "Subway diet" wasn't so much a "diet" as it was a horrific process of brainwashing and forced servitude.