Time to Hire a Go-Between

complicated,drinking,drunk,drunk text,fat fingers,hard,martinis,old,translator
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Are you sure you meant to say "complicated?" Are you sure you didn't mean to say "Oh god. So drunk right now. Why did I have so many martinis whyyyyyyy?"

I'm a Good Quesser

drunk,drunk text,quess
By Unknown
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autocowrecks - family guy you're drunk

Last Night SUCCESS

drinking,drunk text,last night,meme,success,success kid
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That moment Saturday or Sunday morning when you frantically check your history to see if you made an ass of yourself last night.

I Request That You Evacuate the Premises Immidiately

archaic rapper,AutocoWrecks,carousel,drunk,drunk text,eloquent,erudite,grammar,g rated,Hall of Fame,hammered,Joseph Ducreux,mobile phone,parting,spelling,texting,Trolling Wrong Numbers,wrong number,Wrong Numbers From Dumb/Creepy Strangers
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autocowrecks - joseph ducreux

Like a Foreign Language

drunk,drunk text,parent,parents
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Drunk texts are a little hard for some to decipher, so here's a handy guide to help you follow the conversation:

E u b inG gopod? (Are you being good?)

Il$m goods I'm a liL drinmkl (I have spent one million dollars on various goods, my current Halloween costume looks a little like a Drin-brand racing vehicle, mk. 1.)

1111 male a qisH (I am about to order a quiche stuffed with men.)

Im$ havi FUM (I have spent one million dollars for the privilege of eating chum, which is fum fum, as the hit children's animated television series Spongebob Squarepants has taught me.)

Ur hcing fum 222000 (Do you, too, want some chum? We can also involve ourselves in recreational drug use, a suggestion I am communicating by secret code:

222000 ---> [2 + 2] [2] [0 + 0 + 0] ---> [4] [2] [0] ---> 420 )

My Shirt Is So Drinked Up

drink,drinker,drinking,drunk,drunk text,shirt
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This isn't the most incomprehensible text we've had, but in case you need a bit of help for the "3 get in front of my gave," he's saying "I have obtained three items, the identity of which i choose not to disclose to you, via a front-end transaction and I gave said items away soon after said transaction."

Easy to Amuse

drunk,drunk text,high,high text,monkey
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As before, here's a rough translation of the drunk/high textspeak in case you're having trouble.

Npppppp u am nitvhigh I moss dt ey ismt she esting pancakrx: "My N.P.'s (Nurse Practitioner's) uncle held his bat mitzvah this a.m. (it was a morning party) and my gift of edible moss only succeeded in establishing pancreatic ulcers in my host."

Cddk be: "(the) Caterer Dummies Didn't Know; (they) Belayed Eating (the moss)"

Um hoooot hiiiiiifg,,,, wtf I gaac bonr,,,,: "Ultimately, I acted in the manner of a hooooting owl flying hiiiiiigh in the dead of night and covertly escaped the bat mitzvah, my footsteps low to the ground and subtle like a series of commas... my escape was so smooth and fluid that in the middle of it I unexpectedly got a Gigantic And Awesomely Curved Boner."

Hooooonkey: "[racial slur for white people]"