Dollar Shave Club has the solution to your poopy problems: One Wipe Charlies! The softest, cleanest, fastest manliest way to handle your business.
The best part is the toilet. That's the smallest toilet I've ever seen. If I sat on that, I'd feel even more like a bootlicking insignificant hive worker who enrages the team leader with each second wasted on personal issues like pooping.
~Office Lackey Jack