I can tell by the keystrokes...
Much like in this comic, our friend Office Lackey Jack was recently promoted - and now delegates all of his work to me. Hopefully I'll be able to fill his shoes, even though I'm grossly under-qualified and made up half of the stuff on my resume for this job.
In other words, everything is as you'd expect here at Monday Through Friday!
Your new lackey,
Water Cooler Chris
(But no, seriously, I can totally program in C++ and have several years of experience in team management and group communication. Honest!)
So in exchange for five dollars, I get to sleep in and come to work whenever I want? Done!
...it's actually a tacky policy, but when you're able to quantify the cost of coming to work late, it usually makes the thought of being late more appealing. Especially early in the morning.