Close it and it'll be the second stickiest mess he's had on that keyboard.
Then strap your laptop instead!
I like to call this "ramen noodle chic."
Computer battery broken? No problem! Just weld on a 12V boat battery. 70 pounds is a bit much for a "portable computer," but it's better than no computer at all!
"Dude, check this s* out!"
"Hang on, let me get the magnifying glass."
You seem to treat your electronics so well. Must be a shame to have something break that you care about so much.