Probably bad News

Via: RobHarris
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Former FIFA Vice President Jack Warner was one of several officials indicted for corruption within the sporting organization. In a long, nearly incoherent rant, Warner tried to make the connection that the US is hypocritical for investigating FIFA while also desiring their own World Cup:

The only problem? That article he's holding is lifted directly from infamous satire site The Onion.

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Spiders have already infiltrated our bananas, and now they’re souring another of our favorite fruits.

A 21-year-old woman in Vermont was recently bitten by a black widow spider after reaching into a bag of grapes she purchased at the local Shaw’s supermarket.

That’s a whole bunch of “nope” right there.

She and her mother captured the little culprit that had crawled up her arm and brought it with them to the hospital where the woman was treated and eventually released.

The creature is identifiable by a red hourglass-shape on its belly, so if you see the mark, stay away.

Here’s the supermarket’s statement about the incident, via WPTZ:

The health and safety of products we sell, and our customers, is our first concern. We have been closely monitoring the situation and been in contact with the family. We replaced product in the customer’s refrigerator as a precaution and took immediate action to inspect the product at the customer’s store. We also are inspecting the product in all of our stores and have been in touch with the supplier, which has an extensive food safety management system in place.

While their venom is poisonous, most people just experience a pin prick followed by dull muscle pain along with other possible symptoms.

According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine:

Severe symptoms usually start to improve within 2 to 3 days, but milder symptoms may persist for several weeks. Death in a normally healthy individual is very rare. Young children, the extremely ill, and the elderly may not survive a bite.

Black widows were also found in bags of grapes in stores across several different states back in 2013.

This mast March a woman in Wales found a Brazilian Wandering Spider in her bag of bananas, which is considered the “world’s most venomous spider” by the Guinness World Records.

Other spiders have also been in the news a lot lately, particularly in Australia, where they are literally raining down from the sky as part of a phenomenon called “mass ballooning.”

Just don’t try to kill any of them, or you might end up with hundreds of even smaller spiders on your hands like this guy did.

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I'm no legal expert, but something tells me this isn't exactly a great move for your case. From Arbroath:

Charles Abbott arrived at court in Aspen, Colorado, on Tuesday with a stuffed owl and placed it on the defence table in front of him. “He’s a very sensitive guy, has law degrees from Yale, Harvard and Stanford,” Abbott told Pitkin County Court Judge Erin Fernandez-Ely. “I think he’ll be able to represent me before a public defender comes online.” But the fluffy horned owl that Abbott called “Solomon,” had no influence on the hearing’s outcome. Fernandez-Ely casually ignored its presence when Abbott introduced it, and she moved along with the court’s business. Abbott’s court appearance was to address a protection order that took effect after he was accused of assaulting his former roommate, Michael Stranahan, at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting on May 9. Authorities again arrested Abbott, 67, on Saturday on suspicion of violating the court order by going to Stranahan’s home to collect some belongings.
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The man has reportedly gone into the women's room of a shopping center several times early in the morning to eat that butt stuff. Now, he's finally been caught by a news team. When asked about his behavior, he had this to say (courtesy of a translated interview from Shanghaiist):

Reporter: What’re you doing here?
Man: Eating s**t.
R: What? What’s in your hands?
M: It’s s**t.
R: Why would you want to do that?
M: I eat it when I’m hungry.
R: But why do you choose to go to the ladies’ room?
M: It’s more tasty.

Reporter: Isn’t your family worried about you?
Man: They’re all dead.
R: Don’t you know this behavior isn’t good or healthy?
M: I’ve eaten s**t for eight years. I feel better after eating it.

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