jimmy kimmel

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Despite what many people will tell you, this is still America, and one of the basic principles of the constitution is the right to put whatever the hell you want on a pizza without shame... least of all something as delicious as pineapple. Pineapple on pizza rocks, nerds. 

Now this has nothing to do with where you can dunk pizza, which is nowhere. Dunking your pizza in milk is a war crime. Sorry, gross jerks of the world. 

On his show last night, Jimmy Kimmel didn't even ask people on the street what they thought, he just gave his own opinion, which was "once you turn 15, stop drinking milk altogether. People who dip pizza in milk, these are the people we should be deporting, leave the Mexicans alone."  

And so continues the constitutional crisis of our time...

via eekandmisandry

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NBC is reporting that over the last five years, 100 federal employees had been caught watching porno at work. But what makes them so special. Regular people like porno, too. 

So Jimmy Kimmel is asking random people on the street if they watch porn at work, and, uh, ew, boy. 

Check out this video. Now, back to what I was doing, watching po— I mean, watching police chase videos in which people perform fails, epic and otherwise. Yes, I covered that one up pretty well.  

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Everyone knows that the finale of the Oscars was pretty much a disaster, but still a pretty funny one, especially Warren Beatty's reaction to seeing the envelope and promptly throwing Faye Dunaway under the bus.

But why are you listening to me? Why not get the story from the host, Jimmy Kimmel.  

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Hey, hey, who am I?

You tweetin' at me? You tweetin' at me? I don't see anyone else here, so you must be tweeting' at me.

I'm Al Pacino. 

No, wait, shit. 

Ah, whatever. Are you tired of De Niro going on his weird anti-vaxing thing and shilling conspiracy theories to whatever idiot will listen? So are these tweeters, who are sending one of film's greatest actors a bunch of mean tweets. 

Look, you know what this is. Come for the mean tweets, stay for Bobby D telling them to suck his Bobby D. 

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What would a Jimmy Kimmel show be with "Mean Tweets"?

Well, here it is. Finally, prepare to have the wind taken out of your sails, Hollywood. 

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Jimmy Kimmel loves asking people on the street about their sex lives, as we all do. It's just fun to know who's getting laid and stuff because — oh, yeah — sex. 

You're not going to believe this, but on the day after Valentine's Day, well, people like to get, you know, intercoursed. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm talking about s-e-x, the physical act of love, people having it. 

So light some candles, eat an oyster, and pop open that bottle of merlot because random people on the street are saying whether or not they did "it" last night.

Sex. 


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What compels a man to wake up, carpe that diem, and proceed to shit away a boatload worth of sweet Benjamin's on a Cheeto? Well, my best bet is a pleasant mix of insanity meets sheer boredom, with a sizeable amount of mouthbreathing stupidity sprinkled on top for good measure. Or, or, it's no simple cheeto at all; but actually it's shaped like Harambe. Yep, that's it. I think that makes this all that much worse.