Don't worry, in a few scant hours you'll be molting away like all the other pale kids.

On the bottom here we have your standard-issue "stocky guy," and up top we have "out of shape dad." I have a feeling you'll be pleased with this hybrid model of beach bod!

Papa always said "never insult the fashion decisions of a lady with a firearm," and though there's no magazine in that machine gun I'm not going to take any chances.

I mean, you couldn't go to the beach looking like a total embarrassment, could you?

What that game is, we may never know.

It was only a matter of time. You can only bikini for so hard for so long before the fuzz comes by and ruins all of your fun.