From the Submitter: "Thank goodness he mentioned my awesome driving skills after the part about how much I love me some wine. Because if there is one thing I am not, sir, that is a bad tipsy driver. Also, yes, these were read aloud in class."
(I had wrapped a bottle of wine to give to my grandfather as a Christmas Present)
Me: Merry Christmas, Grandad!
Grandad: (without opening it) Oh, lovely! A jumbo size pack of condoms! Just what I needed!
Grandmother: That's an oddly shaped box of condoms...
Grandad: (pointing to his crotch) Hey, they haven't seen the shape of this yet!
(Little brother picks up mom's wine glass from the counter):
Uncle Ralph: DON'T DRINK THAT! (Takes it away.)
Me: Good job!
Uncle Ralph: (Returns with can of beer) This is a MAN'S drink! Chug it!
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