Cousin: *pointing to large five foot tall package by the Christmas tree* Dad is gonna love what I got him, he's been needing it for a while.
His older brother: You need to poke holes in the box so the stripper can breath.
(Us at table eating tapioca. My uncle Ralph *has finished his but there is no more):
Uncle Ralph: Hey did you know semen is low calorie food? Five calories per go!
Me and Brothers: *Push away food* Eeeeeeeeew.
Uncle Ralph: Well if you're not gonna eat it....
(Little brother picks up mom's wine glass from the counter):
Uncle Ralph: DON'T DRINK THAT! (Takes it away.)
Me: Good job!
Uncle Ralph: (Returns with can of beer) This is a MAN'S drink! Chug it!
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