Me: *answers* This is road kill cafe you kill we grill it, this is Sam speaking!
Mom's boyfriend: *hangs up*
Mom: Why'd you do that!?
Me: Don't worry he'll be by to pick up his fried raccoon in an hour.
(Christmas morning. I open a present to what I think is a new iphone)
Me: You got me an iphone? I can't believe it!
Dad: Just open it and see.
(I proceed to ope iPhone box)
Me: There is a picture of an iphone... But no phone...
Me: Why would you go through all of this trouble just to crush my dreams?
Dad: Get used to a life of disappointment
(When I was younger, walking down the street and we passed a group of guys when one spits on the floor)
Grandmother: You gonna pick that up punk?
Grandmother: Yeah, I'm gonna stay here untill you clean it up!
Guy: How do you want me to do that?
Grandmother: LICK IT UP OR SOMETHING!
(Grandma keeps staring at him until the guy cleans it off of the street.)
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