(Me and my uncle walking through a park he's 23 and I'm 17.)
Uncle: *Points to a group of bushes*. That's where me and your auntie had sex for the first time.
Me: I didn't need to know that.
Uncle: Yep, we were both 14 and drunk and stoned out of our heads.
Me: Wow... So many laws broken, that's true love right there...
Mom: Don't sleep with anyone.
Me: I know, I know.
Mom: No, I'm serious, they don't look that good naked. God didn't do a very good job when he put them together.
(Talking to my 9-year-old brother)
Me: Hey, do you know who is coming on Saturday night?
Mom: Your Dad, if he's lucky.
Me: Mum, can I use the tuna in the fridge?
Dad: What are you going to use it for?
Me: (sarcastically) I'm going to smear it on my genitals.
Dad: Mind the cat, that's the kind of pussy you don't want
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