(My dad's home is kinda little so him and my brother sleep in the same bed, one morning he told me this):
Dad: Hey, have you talked to your brother about masturbation?
Me (laughing): No! Why?
Dad: 'Cause last night he was fapping right next to me.
(My dad talking to my brother after the dog pulled a condom out of his wallet.)
Dad: Why is there a condom in your wallet?
Brother: Because, Dad, I'm sexually active.
Dad: I know but you can't get your hand pregnant...
(17 yr old daughter on phone to Grandmother with me in same room.)
Daughter: Nana, do you have any AAA Batteries?
Me (yelling to be heard on phone): It's for her vibrator!
Nana (which daughter repeats to me): You need D size.
Me (which daughter repeats over phone): Speaking from experience?
Daughter: Ewww, must be true, Nana isn't saying anything!
Dad: It's hard to have a conversation with you when you're coughing so much.
Mom: Then talk to your hand. It was your first love, wasn't it?
(My mom walks in to my room as I'm pulling my pants up from masturbating.)
Mom: What were you doing.
Me: Uh... Nothing
Mom: OK, just a tip, next time, do "nothing" in the bathroom.
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