(While watching mom hang stockings)
Me: Mom, you only have two kids, why are you hanging six stockings?
Mom: Well, two are for the dogs, three for the cats, and one for the bird.
Me: So where's Sister's stocking? And mine?
Mom: Oh like I'm getting gifts for you two.
A giant bottle of aspirin for Mom and Dad.
Mom: Do you think your father would take you to the chiropractor three days a week?
Me: Do you want dad to take me?
Mom: No, I just want to know if you think he would.
Me: No, probably not.
Mom: YES! I'm the better parent.
Me: Are you really still competing for best parent? All of your kids are adults, and you've been divorced for years.
Mom: The competition never ends. Now, tell me what he did for your brother's birthday.
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