Me: So Mom, whats your New Year's resoloution?
Mom: (looks up slowly) New year..... New sexuality (goes back to TV)
Mom: I wonder what I can get your Dad for Christmas.
Me(being silly): Your Mother!
Mom: He doesn't want THAT.
(Talking to my 9-year-old brother)
Me: Hey, do you know who is coming on Saturday night?
Mom: Your Dad, if he's lucky.
Stepdad: When I die, have me cremated. Then, put my ashes in the compost.
Me: Why would we put you in the compost?
Stepdad: So you can put it on the vegetables and eat me!
Mom: No! I'm not eating you! Not when you're dead anyway.
(Driving down the road nice and smoothly with my dad. Soon traffic hits and we come to an almost stop.)
Dad: What are we stopped for? A sex toy party?
Dad: I brake for edible underwear!
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