(My mom walks in to my room as I'm pulling my pants up from masturbating.)
Mom: What were you doing.
Me: Uh... Nothing
Mom: OK, just a tip, next time, do "nothing" in the bathroom.
Me (on phone): Hi mom, I'm just calling to let you know I survived the dorm fire.
Me: Yeah, we had a fire last night!
Mom: Did you start it?
Me: Talked to that guy.
Mom: Did you tell him you were available and easy?
Me: Um, what?
Mom: Well, it's been real. I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow!
(Me: *Skyping cute boy*)
Mom: *Barges into room* Who are you talking to?
Me: Travis, mum.
Mom: You better not be showing him your privates!
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