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Mom: (to my Dad) Honey, will you get me a glass of water?
Dad: (looks at me) Get her a glass of water.
(I give him a look.)
Dad: We feed and clothe you, slave. Get the water!
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(Somehow my mom and I ended up talking about penises, I was trying to change subject.)
Me: Anyways how was-
Mom: Just so you know you're not allowed to marry a man with a small penis.
Mom: Yeah. I don't want any small penises messing up our family genes.
Mom: What? Do you really want me to tell you about your father's?
Me: No! No, No. No.
Mom: Cause he was huuuuge!
Me: Oh my God, mom!
Mom: Is it true your sister smokes weed?
Me: Yeah. Duh.
Mom: What problems could a fifteen-year-old possibly have that they would need weed for?! I NEED WEED TO PUT UP WITH RAISING THAT CHILD!
Me: I don't want to become an astronaut, because if something goes wrong, I'll be stuck in the middle of nowhere with no help.
Mom: Don't worry about that! If you get hurt in space, you'll just die!
(After the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was lifted.)
Mom: So, NOW will you tell me you're gay?
Me: MOM! I'm not gay! Why would you think that?
Mom: Because you joined the Navy! Real men join the Marines!
Me: Dad was in the AirForce!
Mom: ... Why won't you give me grandchildren?!
Me: Thinning the herd.
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