(Asking mom what a Kegel ball was)
Mom: Its something you put up your vagina to excersize the kegel muscles
Me: MOM, GOD STOP!
Bother: Oh, I could use one of those right now.
Mom: Well you could put up your anus.
Me (on phone): Hi mom, I'm just calling to let you know I survived the dorm fire.
Me: Yeah, we had a fire last night!
Mom: Did you start it?
(I've been learning to drive for about six months, and I'm driving a different car than I normally do.)
Me: How do you turn on the lights for this car?
Mama: Why do you need the lights?
Me: Uhm... Because I don't want to die?
(Me brushing my teeth)
(Gargling, Dad walks in holds my nose and says)
Me: (Spits everything on him)
Dad: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! EVERYONE SWALLOWS IN THIS HOUSE!
Mom: That's right dear.
Mom: Is it true your sister smokes weed?
Me: Yeah. Duh.
Mom: What problems could a fifteen-year-old possibly have that they would need weed for?! I NEED WEED TO PUT UP WITH RAISING THAT CHILD!
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