(Asking mom what a Kegel ball was) Mom: Its something you put up your vagina to excersize the kegel muscles Me: MOM, GOD STOP! Bother: Oh, I could use one of those right now. Mom: Well you could put up your anus.

Me (on phone): Hi mom, I'm just calling to let you know I survived the dorm fire. Mom: WHAT? Me: Yeah, we had a fire last night! Mom: Did you start it?

(I've been learning to drive for about six months, and I'm driving a different car than I normally do.) Me: How do you turn on the lights for this car? Mama: Why do you need the lights? Me: Uhm... Because I don't want to die?

(Me brushing my teeth) (Gargling, Dad walks in holds my nose and says) Dad: Swallow! Me: (Spits everything on him) Dad: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! EVERYONE SWALLOWS IN THIS HOUSE! Mom: That's right dear.

Mom: Is it true your sister smokes weed? Me: Yeah. Duh. Mom: What problems could a fifteen-year-old possibly have that they would need weed for?! I NEED WEED TO PUT UP WITH RAISING THAT CHILD!

(My mom and I discussing school projects) Me: Essay projects are one of the few school projects that I don't mind doing, since they're not a right answer-wrong answer sort of thing. Mom: I actually like more solid foundations, like in math: 2 + 2 will always be 2... Wait a second...