(Somehow my mom and I ended up talking about penises, I was trying to change subject.) Me: Anyways how was- Mom: Just so you know you're not allowed to marry a man with a small penis. Me: ...what? Mom: Yeah. I don't want any small penises messing up our family genes. Me: What?! Mom: What? Do you really want me to tell you about your father's? Me: No! No, No. No. Mom: Cause he was huuuuge! Me: Oh my God, mom!
(I read my mother a messed up text where a kid's phone said that they 'blew' their teacher instead of 'drew' him.) Me: I'm positive that there were kids I went to high school that were doing something other than homework to get better grades. Mom: I never did that. For one, I refuse to compromise my morals and for another, I don't like that. (Long pause) Mom: You probably didn't want to hear that, did you? Me: No, not really.