(Me eating a chocolate orange on sofa, dad who is on a diet next to me)
Dad: I hope you die in pain.
Mom: What's that lump on your neck son? (after noticing a weird lump on my brother's neck)
Dad: Isn't that his head?
Mom: Were you dropped on your head when you were a baby?
Me: And who's fault would that be?
Mom: ...No comment.
(When talking to my mom about my absent father.)
Mom: You know the difference between you and me?
Mom: My daddy loved me.
Mom: *laughing hysterically*
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