Me: Im shooting daggars out of my eyes.
Dad: Im shooting farts out of my ass.
(A little while later,)
When you're not home I'm going to fart on your pillow.
Stepdad: When I die, have me cremated. Then, put my ashes in the compost.
Me: Why would we put you in the compost?
Stepdad: So you can put it on the vegetables and eat me!
Mom: No! I'm not eating you! Not when you're dead anyway.
Me: *putting on chapstick*
Dad: Is that stuff good for chapped lips? I wonder if that'd work for my asshole... maybe I should get some.
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