Me: *putting on chapstick* Dad: Is that stuff good for chapped lips? I wonder if that'd work for my asshole... maybe I should get some.

(Walking my dog with my Mum, who noticed that there were loads of spider nests.) Mum: Woah, those spiders are at it! Me: What? Mum: I wonder how they do it. I mean, where do all of the legs go? Me: Mum, that's just creepy. Mum: Spider Porn!