Stepdad: When I die, have me cremated. Then, put my ashes in the compost.
Me: Why would we put you in the compost?
Stepdad: So you can put it on the vegetables and eat me!
Mom: No! I'm not eating you! Not when you're dead anyway.
Me: *putting on chapstick*
Dad: Is that stuff good for chapped lips? I wonder if that'd work for my asshole... maybe I should get some.
(Walking my dog with my Mum, who noticed that there were loads of spider nests.)
Mum: Woah, those spiders are at it!
Mum: I wonder how they do it. I mean, where do all of the legs go?
Me: Mum, that's just creepy.
Mum: Spider Porn!
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