(Talking with my grandmother about how hard it was raising kids in the 60's) Me: Gramma? If it was so hard raising the first three, why did you keep having kids? Gramma: Well, Joel... Me and your grandfather liked to have sex. Me: ... (Image hasn't left my head to this day)

(In my Oma's kitchen talking about how much tile i put down while fixing the house. I'm female.) Me: You see these hands?! These are the hands of a working man! Oma: With a rack like that, I don't think you're much of a man. Me: You knew what I meant!

(I went out for sushi with my grandma. She just gave me the Heimlich after i choked on the sushi and the the waiter brought fortune cookies.) Grandma: What does yours say, "Take smaller bites"?

(My mom and my grandma talking during dinner.) Grandma: (talking about our dog) When I went for a drive with Jake in the back seat he just laid on the floor and cried. Mom: Really? Grandma: Yeah, he just laid down and started crying. Mom: That's what I do every time I'm in a car with you driving.

(My 70-something year old grandparents were telling me of a time that they were stalked by a mountain lion during a family campout.) Grandma: So there we were just strolling through the forest whe- Grandpa: No, YOU were strolling, I was walking like a MAN!

(Going to visit my grandma, my little sister just walks in her house) Me:(to my sister) Hey, learn to knock. What if grandma isn't dressed or has company? Grandma: Yeah! What if I have company and we're naked?!

(In the living room about 15 minutes before Thanksgiving Dinner with 20 family members and Grandma.) Gram: I think somebody farted. Younger Brother: You know what they say Gram, they who smelled it, dealt it. Gram: (laughs) That's true. (*Pause*) Gram; No, I was wrong, somebody's crapped themselves.