(Elderly grandmaw calling from the next room) Grandmaw: Help! Help! Someone please come quick! Me (after almost breaking my neck to get there): WHAT? WHAT'S WRONG? Grandmaw: Take a look at this remote for me, it isn't working.

(Me greeting my 94 year old great grandma): Hi Nana! Nana: Your boobs get bigger every time I see you!

(After fetching Gramma's mail): Me: You got another funeral home ad. Gramma: Again? I got 3 yesterday! Soon they'll be sending a loaded rifle and asking me to f***ing shoot myself!

(When I was younger, walking down the street and we passed a group of guys when one spits on the floor) Grandmother: You gonna pick that up punk? Guy: WHAT? Grandmother: Yeah, I'm gonna stay here untill you clean it up! Guy: How do you want me to do that? Grandmother: LICK IT UP OR SOMETHING! (Grandma keeps staring at him until the guy cleans it off of the street.)