(My mom had just gone into the freezer for the 5th time in the last hour to get a cup of ice.) Dad: Hey! If you keep doing that, you'll get addicted to the ice. From there, you'll move on to snow... Then you'll hit the hard stuff, like sleet. Me: And hail after that? Dad: Oh god... let's not go down that road...

(We are Jewish. For those of you who don't know, it's a Christmas tradition for Jews to eat Chinese food and see a movie on Christmas, since there's nothing else to do. It's currently a week before Christmas, and we don't know what to eat.) Dad: Maybe we should do Chinese tonight instead of for Christmas. Mom: Honey, DON'T ruin my Christmas!

Dad: I s**t ice cream. That's how perfect I am.

(Me eating a chocolate orange on sofa, dad who is on a diet next to me) Dad: I hope you die in pain.