(Us at table eating tapioca. My uncle Ralph *has finished his but there is no more):
Uncle Ralph: Hey did you know semen is low calorie food? Five calories per go!
Me and Brothers: *Push away food* Eeeeeeeeew.
Uncle Ralph: Well if you're not gonna eat it....
(Me and my dad sitting on the sofa watching TV.)
Me: *Stretching and my shirt comes up a bit.*
My Dad: JESUS YOU'VE GOT A HAIRY PRICK!
Dad: BELLY I MEANT BELLY!
(My grandma thought it was totally appropriate to tell me about her first time with my now deceased grandpa.)
Grandma: I looked at that thing and I said "That'll NEVER fit!"
Me: *Awkward laugh* Oh hehe, that's pretty crazy!
Grandma: Say, why don't you ever bring your boyfriend over here to visit?
(maybe it's cause you tell gross sex stories.)
(Somehow my mom and I ended up talking about penises, I was trying to change subject.)
Me: Anyways how was-
Mom: Just so you know you're not allowed to marry a man with a small penis.
Mom: Yeah. I don't want any small penises messing up our family genes.
Mom: What? Do you really want me to tell you about your father's?
Me: No! No, No. No.
Mom: Cause he was huuuuge!
Me: Oh my God, mom!
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