(After watching an ad against drunk driving) Dad: Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly! Mom: Yeah, that's a good lesson to teach your sixteen year old daughter. Dad: It's true! Don't make me throw my coffee mug at you.

(There was a priest who visited my great-grandfather after my great-uncle died. He was looking at my great-grandfather's garden.) Priest: Are those pansies out there? Great-Grandfather: Can I tell you a secret? Priest: Sure, that's what I'm here for. Great-Grandfather: It's Hungarian marijuana.

Dad: I did alot of crazy things when I was a kid. Me: Like what? Dad: Well once I did a whole bunch of cocaine and threw a TV through a ten story window. Good thing you only do pot. Me: I... I got nothin'...

(Mom had left for a business trip and it was just dad and I by ourselves) Dad: So, you wanna get some hookers and blow? Me: Seriously, Dad? Dad: Fine... how about some pot? Do you know anyone? Or shrooms, 'cause that'll be cool too. Or both... at the same time! Me:...the hell?