Aunt: I turn around and my sister has her hand down her shirt, my neice is holding a ghost and my husband is singing "Sixteen Candles" while jamming a Power Ranger into a chocolate cake. Where's my drink?

(Little brother picks up mom's wine glass from the counter): Uncle Ralph: DON'T DRINK THAT! (Takes it away.) Me: Good job! Uncle Ralph: (Returns with can of beer) This is a MAN'S drink! Chug it!

Dad: Your mom has been feeling kinda old lately. Can you take her out, and show her a good time? Me: You mean get her drunk? Dad: Yeah. Me: Done.