(Christmas morning. I open a present to what I think is a new iphone)
Me: You got me an iphone? I can't believe it!
Dad: Just open it and see.
(I proceed to ope iPhone box)
Me: There is a picture of an iphone... But no phone...
Me: Why would you go through all of this trouble just to crush my dreams?
Dad: Get used to a life of disappointment
Me: According to the lab I did, you and mom can't be homozygous dominant for ALU.
Dad: Baby, I ain't homo nothing.
Me: Mum, can I use the tuna in the fridge?
Dad: What are you going to use it for?
Me: (sarcastically) I'm going to smear it on my genitals.
Dad: Mind the cat, that's the kind of pussy you don't want
Mom: What's that lump on your neck son? (after noticing a weird lump on my brother's neck)
Dad: Isn't that his head?
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