Dad: If you want to date, date somebody who's going to harass you, so I'll at least have an excuse when the police bring me into custody.
(My dad's home is kinda little so him and my brother sleep in the same bed, one morning he told me this):
Dad: Hey, have you talked to your brother about masturbation?
Me (laughing): No! Why?
Dad: 'Cause last night he was fapping right next to me.
(When talking to my mom about my absent father.)
Mom: You know the difference between you and me?
Mom: My daddy loved me.
Mom: *laughing hysterically*
(My dad questioning my sister's date to a Halloween dance)
Dad: You ever smoke pot?
Date: Yes sir, once, and I didn't like the way I felt out of control of my body.
Dad: Drink alcohol?
Date: For the same reasons I don't smoke I don't drink.
Dad: What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?
Dad: The first person to kidnap Princess Peach was...?
Date: Donkey Kong.
Dad: When the first Pokemon movie came out and Ash turned to stone?
Date: I cried like a bitch.
(Talking about my mum's partner.)
Sister: But you do love each other, I know that.
Mum: It's a fine line between love and hate and the cutlery drawer.
Sister: You're never too old to-
Mum: To stab someone? No.
Mom: I wonder what I can get your Dad for Christmas.
Me(being silly): Your Mother!
Mom: He doesn't want THAT.
Mom: Don't sleep with anyone.
Me: I know, I know.
Mom: No, I'm serious, they don't look that good naked. God didn't do a very good job when he put them together.
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