(I went out for sushi with my grandma. She just gave me the Heimlich after i choked on the sushi and the the waiter brought fortune cookies.)
Grandma: What does yours say, "Take smaller bites"?
(Seeing woman wearing a mini skirt in the middle of winter)
Me: Jeez lady put some pants on.
Grandpa: Why? I like it.
Grandpa: What? Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu.
(My dad coming in, seeing I'm on facebook instead of doing my math homework.)
Dad: If you don't start doing your math, you'll turn into a zombie. *leaves*
Me: What just happened?
(Me and my dad sitting on the sofa watching TV.)
Me: *Stretching and my shirt comes up a bit.*
My Dad: JESUS YOU'VE GOT A HAIRY PRICK!
Dad: BELLY I MEANT BELLY!
Mom: Is it true your sister smokes weed?
Me: Yeah. Duh.
Mom: What problems could a fifteen-year-old possibly have that they would need weed for?! I NEED WEED TO PUT UP WITH RAISING THAT CHILD!
My mother texts me: Hey... Dad wants a ticket to the game in green bay for Christmas... I believe it's a football game and I think it's the Packers against another team... Possibly the Yankees.
(Me and mom making dinner, brother's ferret starts running around our feet):
Mom: Put him in the oven, will you...
Mom: Dammit, I meant cage. There's not enough meat on his bones yet. Now the dog...
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