Dad: After dinner mint?
Me: That's a Halls cough drop...
Dad: So? After dinner mint.
(Dad got a deer this season and is processing it himself).
Me: Ugh... There's body parts all inside the freezer.
Mom: People are going to think we're John Wayne Gacy.
Me: Didn't he have sex with the bodies first?
Mom: You weren't there.
Dad: Don't go into the dark, the Boogie Man will get you.
Me: You're the Boogie man, and the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny
Dad: Don't talk about my sex life.
Aunt: I turn around and my sister has her hand down her shirt, my neice is holding a ghost and my husband is singing "Sixteen Candles" while jamming a Power Ranger into a chocolate cake. Where's my drink?
(Little brother picks up mom's wine glass from the counter):
Uncle Ralph: DON'T DRINK THAT! (Takes it away.)
Me: Good job!
Uncle Ralph: (Returns with can of beer) This is a MAN'S drink! Chug it!
(Listening to "Forget You" by Cee-Lo Green on the radio)
Mum: What the hell is up with this guy. He's like a tall midget. Seriously, if you're going to be a midget, at least fully commit to it.
Mom: You can't marry a guy with a big butt. Big butts run in our family; We have to breed them down!
Me: Mom, there was this thing in the 20s and 30s, you may have heard of it... Eugenics?
Mom: I like my breeding program better than Hitler's.
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