Me: Hey dad, do you care that the only reason I was born was because your vasectomy didn't work?
Dad: Mate, if I cared, you would have been named Houdini instead of Ryan.
(Sister helping me with Chemistry in the front room when Mother grooves into the room, singing)
Mother: I am the queen of vagina, I am queen of promiscuous, I am queen of gen-
Me: Mum! What the futz?!
Mother: It's not everyday you find a song you relate to! Leave me alone! (continues singing)
(Talking about moving to a town in Washington with my mother)
Me: We're moving to Pullman, Washington.
Mom: Oh, that nice. You've got to go see the Lincoln Memorial and the other things there.
Me, staring at my mother: Pullman, Washington...
Mom, clueless: Yeah, Washington is our national capital.
Me, shaking head: Our capital is Washington D.C.. We're moving to Washington state.
Mom: There's a difference?
(After fetching Gramma's mail):
Me: You got another funeral home ad.
Gramma: Again? I got 3 yesterday! Soon they'll be sending a loaded rifle and asking me to f***ing shoot myself!
(Me eating a chocolate orange on sofa, dad who is on a diet next to me)
Dad: I hope you die in pain.
(After the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was lifted.)
Mom: So, NOW will you tell me you're gay?
Me: MOM! I'm not gay! Why would you think that?
Mom: Because you joined the Navy! Real men join the Marines!
Me: Dad was in the AirForce!
Mom: ... Why won't you give me grandchildren?!
Me: Thinning the herd.
(Watching show about El Chupacabra with my uncle.)
Narrator: Last sightings were seen in Texas...
Me: Texas, its always texas.
Me: Nasty creatures sucking the blood of farm animals.
Uncle: Probably their governor.
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