Dad: You know what I'll do when you bring a boy you like to meet me?
Me(a little worried): What?
Dad: I'll take him out into the yard to talk with him. Make him dig a hole, then bury him in it.
Mom: OK: No drugs, no alcohol, no sex and no boys.
Dad: Basically we want you to have a sh**ty time.
Me: Talked to that guy.
Mom: Did you tell him you were available and easy?
Me: Um, what?
Mom: Well, it's been real. I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow!
Mom: When you were a baby I swear I'd take a bullet for you in the blink of an eye... Now you're 18 and I'm contemplating actually shooting you myself...
(My 70-something year old grandparents were telling me of a time that they were stalked by a mountain lion during a family campout.)
Grandma: So there we were just strolling through the forest whe-
Grandpa: No, YOU were strolling, I was walking like a MAN!
Mom: Don't sleep with anyone.
Me: I know, I know.
Mom: No, I'm serious, they don't look that good naked. God didn't do a very good job when he put them together.
(When talking to my mom about my absent father.)
Mom: You know the difference between you and me?
Mom: My daddy loved me.
Mom: *laughing hysterically*
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