(Me and my uncle walking through a park he's 23 and I'm 17.)
Uncle: *Points to a group of bushes*. That's where me and your auntie had sex for the first time.
Me: I didn't need to know that.
Uncle: Yep, we were both 14 and drunk and stoned out of our heads.
Me: Wow... So many laws broken, that's true love right there...
(My grandma and I walking past a group of guys playing tennis with their shirts off.)
Me: Oh I love tennis! I wish I could play with them.
Grandma: I want to play with them too, but I want to play a different game.
(On the phone.)
Me: Could you post me one of my old school shirts? I'm putting together a Hogwarts costume.
Mum: What for?
Me: A Harry Potter night at the student union.
Mum: You should go as a wand!
(After my 4-year-old got in trouble she came up to her father.)
4yr old: Am I on the naughty list?
Father: With the way you've been acting, you probably are.
4yr old: *Thinks for a moment* Not if I kill Santa.
(Six year old sister runs up behind me, pours glitter on me, and pushes me out the door into the sunlight.)
Me: What was that for!?
Sister: Now you're Alice!
Me: What? What the-
Sister: She's a vampire. From Twilight. You wouldn't get it.
Me: No, I wouldn't get it.
Sister: Tell me what's gonna happen next!
(Brother is leaving to go home, his dog dug holes in the yard.)
Mom: You still have to fill my holes.
Brother and Me: *laugh hysterically*
Brother: That sounded wrong.
Mom: Fill in my holes then fix my yard.
Me: We don't live in Alabama, mom!
My mother texts me: Hey... Dad wants a ticket to the game in green bay for Christmas... I believe it's a football game and I think it's the Packers against another team... Possibly the Yankees.
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