(Somehow my mom and I ended up talking about penises, I was trying to change subject.)
Me: Anyways how was-
Mom: Just so you know you're not allowed to marry a man with a small penis.
Mom: Yeah. I don't want any small penises messing up our family genes.
Mom: What? Do you really want me to tell you about your father's?
Me: No! No, No. No.
Mom: Cause he was huuuuge!
Me: Oh my God, mom!
(Driving by a local video store):
Me: I find it ironic that the video store named "Family Video" is the only one left in town with a porn section.
Mom: I know, and the selection sucks!
(Talking about Jessica Simpson with my mom)
Mom: She's lucky that she has big boobs, because she can't sing at all.
(My little cousin wanted a dog, but we bought him a gerbil.)
Store Worker: which one do you like?
Cousin: The brown one with the big ears
Store Worker: *Hands it to him*
Me: What are you gonna name him?
(*Me, texting my Dad*)
Me: So can I keep the cat inside the house?
Dad: I'll have to ask the Magic Conch.
(talking to my mom about a project for school.)
Me: Yeah, so my teacher says I actually have to talk about an accident that happened in the past. Do you have any I could use?
Me: But that's my brother's name.
Mom: Like I said...
(Discussing Breaking Bad)
Me: You're not a chemist so your meth wouldn't be like glass.
Dad: Yeah, you need ketchup with my meth.
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