Dad: If you want to date, date somebody who's going to harass you, so I'll at least have an excuse when the police bring me into custody.
(Sister helping me with Chemistry in the front room when Mother grooves into the room, singing)
Mother: I am the queen of vagina, I am queen of promiscuous, I am queen of gen-
Me: Mum! What the futz?!
Mother: It's not everyday you find a song you relate to! Leave me alone! (continues singing)
Dad: How did work go today?
Me: (A daycare toddler teacher) The kids were rambunctious today.
Dad: Kick the little @#$!ers in the head enough, they'll calm down.
(After a family party. Aunt and Uncle are getting ready to leave and are picking up left overs.)
Uncle: Hey, Sher, we gonna take this fruit home?
Gay uncle: Uh, I'm standing right here!
Mom: .... OH MY GOD.
Mom: I DIDNT KNOW OWLS HAD WINGS.
Mom: I THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST CHUBBY LITTLE CREATURES.
Me: Mum, can I use the tuna in the fridge?
Dad: What are you going to use it for?
Me: (sarcastically) I'm going to smear it on my genitals.
Dad: Mind the cat, that's the kind of pussy you don't want
Me: I'm going to discipline my kids better when I have them. I'm going to lock them in a closet.
Mom: Oh... That's what I did with you...
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