(Driving by a local video store):
Me: I find it ironic that the video store named "Family Video" is the only one left in town with a porn section.
Mom: I know, and the selection sucks!
Dad: You know what I'll do when you bring a boy you like to meet me?
Me(a little worried): What?
Dad: I'll take him out into the yard to talk with him. Make him dig a hole, then bury him in it.
Dad: Remember, porn for free is sexuality. You need a profit before you can call it a profession.
(Somehow my mom and I ended up talking about penises, I was trying to change subject.)
Me: Anyways how was-
Mom: Just so you know you're not allowed to marry a man with a small penis.
Mom: Yeah. I don't want any small penises messing up our family genes.
Mom: What? Do you really want me to tell you about your father's?
Me: No! No, No. No.
Mom: Cause he was huuuuge!
Me: Oh my God, mom!
(Me: *Skyping cute boy*)
Mom: *Barges into room* Who are you talking to?
Me: Travis, mum.
Mom: You better not be showing him your privates!
(My mom and my grandma talking during dinner.)
Grandma: (talking about our dog) When I went for a drive with Jake in the back seat he just laid on the floor and cried.
Grandma: Yeah, he just laid down and started crying.
Mom: That's what I do every time I'm in a car with you driving.
Dad: How did work go today?
Me: (A daycare toddler teacher) The kids were rambunctious today.
Dad: Kick the little @#$!ers in the head enough, they'll calm down.
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