(Going to visit my grandma, my little sister just walks in her house)
Me:(to my sister) Hey, learn to knock. What if grandma isn't dressed or has company?
Grandma: Yeah! What if I have company and we're naked?!
(Mom washing dishes): Who didn't wash this plate?! If I find out who you are, I'm going to come into your bedroom and suffocate you with a pillow... Okay, half suffocate you. Enough to scare you so you will pee your bed and learn your lesson.
(Me playing Plants vs. Zombies)
Grandma: Hey! That is a funny game! Those grey guys look like your grandfather. He likes fighting with my plants too. But at least he doesn't eat them. Well, not always.
(My friend and I were visiting her granddad (who I haven't met before). Other guests include my friend's aunt and her two year old daughter. We are just discussing about how long kids should keep their pacifiers.)
Granddad: In a few years she'll suck on something completely different.
Granddad: What, I meant her thumb!
Mom: When you were a baby I swear I'd take a bullet for you in the blink of an eye... Now you're 18 and I'm contemplating actually shooting you myself...
(Six year old sister runs up behind me, pours glitter on me, and pushes me out the door into the sunlight.)
Me: What was that for!?
Sister: Now you're Alice!
Me: What? What the-
Sister: She's a vampire. From Twilight. You wouldn't get it.
Me: No, I wouldn't get it.
Sister: Tell me what's gonna happen next!
(After watching an ad against drunk driving)
Dad: Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly!
Mom: Yeah, that's a good lesson to teach your sixteen year old daughter.
Dad: It's true! Don't make me throw my coffee mug at you.
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